Monday, 23 April 2012

Talking of Balls...

So its Monday  - one of the crappiest days of the week in my opinion but a little bit of laughter sunshine has come my way all thanks to Amazon and this product:


As you know Amazon is a great tool for getting some honest reviews on products before you shell out your hard earned cash therefore I advise your man folk to read the reviews on this product before buying - for example:

"DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS, 24 Jan 2012
Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.

(I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.) "

"3.0 out of 5 stars LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION, 17 April 2012
I like the clean shaven look down in my gentleman's log cabin, so for the past few years I've used a shaver. However the hair keeps growing back which means every 6 months I have to spend 20 minutes trimming again. As I'm sure you've realise this is valuable time I cannot waste. So I decided to get to the root of the problem and purchased this product.

Probably the first thing you will notice after using this product is the pain. Although as a man I lack the required experience, I'm going to estimate that using this product is at least eleven times more painful than childbirth.
Imagine sticking a rusty razor blade into your favourite eye, before tying your hands behind your back. Then imagine that you use the entrenched razor blade to slice open a raw onion. All the while being butt naked. This product is slightly more painful than that.

However if we ignore the blinding, crippling and debilitating pain I should point out that this product is remarkably effective. Before, all manner of organisms great and small lived down there, now nothing can grow; not even on a cellular level. Sadly this includes my genitalia; I've spent the last four hours staring fixedly at Carol Vorderman's arse, all to no avail. My tinkywinkleton hasn't even so much as perked up, so if my review seems a bit harsh, it's only because I wanted children"

"Not since Steve McQueen entered the 'Towering Inferno' has a human object burnt so intensely.
I applied the cream to my spuds and within 24 seconds my orbs were throbbing.
Imagine being dragged naked down the autobahn in Germany behind an F1 car. That is exactly how my seed sack felt.
On the plus side, my nuts are totally foliage-free. On the down side Ill never be a Father."

"5.0 out of 5 stars Do not put on back passage
As a 24 year old male I suffer from having an incredibly hair anal passage, one could possibly argue that there there is probably more hair on this region of my body than my armpits.

A word of warning though people, PLEASE DO NOT Veet for men on your anus. I did this myself and learned the hard way.

Using veet for men has ruined my life, and I now can only walk with the aid of a walking stick.

It was a Monday evening and I was fed up of my anal bush, so I decided to take evasive action.
Before long my entire butt hole was plastered in the stuff. I thought everything was ok until I thought I could smell smoke, I frantically ran into the kitchen in case I had accidentally left the hob on, but to my horror I caught my naked reflection in the mirror and the smoke seemed to be coming from my arse.
I ran the tap until the sink was full and sat in it crying and sobbing from excruciating the pain, I then limped sheepishly into the bathroom to have a proper look and yes, it had worked, my anal bush was gone!

So yes Veet for men did everything it said it would do, but just to pre-warn any of you folk who suffer from an unusually hairy back passage, I would stick to scissors in the future"

"Nuts Like Marbles, 22 April 2012
In vain I tried to get my pebble sack to be completely hair free. No matter what I did there was always a hint of stubble down there that itched my nadger bag and would frequently snag on my shorts! You cannot imagine the looks I would get when I would pop my hand down there whilst loosening myself up or having a scratch. It's as if people have never seen a teacher with their hands down their pants in work!
So there I was squatting over a belt sander, stonks just inches from the whizzing power tool, when I was suddenly made aware by everyone in B&Q that there was a solution! Veet for Men!
So off I went, purchased a tube and slapped it on like I was icing a cake and at first all was well. But soon after, by golly gee willikers, I felt like I had just tea bagged a barbecue! I can never listen to Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire again without tears forming! However, after giving them a thorough hosing down I was immensely surprised to find not a single hair left! Smooth as a freshly polished otter and as slippery as a tabloid editor!
I cannot tell you the relief of having my cargo rolling loose around my undercrackers. The sense of freedom is astonishing. The pain only lasted a couple of weeks and I was only in the burns unit for a few days!"

If you fancy a good old laugh then check out the rest of the reviews HERE

I'm wondering if I should get hubby a tube for this birthday...

Big Love





40 comments:

  1. Scarlett you are a legend!

    I have just been reading these little gems out to the other half who has been laughing and wincing in pain in tandem. Genius.

    Tooo funny, thanks for cheering up an others wise boring wet Monday.

    And did promise the other half that I wouldnt purchase the aforementioned Veet for men.


    P x

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  2. OMG!!! Absolutely classic: 'Do not put on knob and bollocks'...this had tears coming out of my eyes, not in sympathy but from laughter.

    Men - they've got such a low pain threshold!

    Thank you so much for cheering up my Monday, Scarlett - you're a tonic! xxx

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  3. Oh My God this cannot be real. How bad does that sound. I have to admit though, I did have a little chuckle to myself, I just love how they are so descriptive ha ha ha ha. Thank you my lovely for brightening up a very dull Monday afternoon x x x x

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  4. Hahah I had to laugh at this!

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  5. I never knew there were so many hilarious names for a chap's bits and bobs. Classic - I have tears running down my cheeks and am annoying the pants off hubby - he's trying to watch Come Dine With Me, over my shrieks of laughter. :

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  6. OH MY WORD! I feel so bad to laugh so much at all that discomfort but the tales of woe these poor fellows tell have me roaring. (them too, it sounds like).

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  7. I read some of these the other day bloody hysterical!

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  8. Wonderful! I didn't realise so many men were prepared to suffer in order to be hairless, I thought that was a uniquely female pursuit... (What can I say, I'm a 70s chick at heart!) xxx

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  9. Oh my goodness, I haven't laughed so much in a very long time - absolutely priceless. Thanks for sharing.

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  10. Even though I'd already seen this - my dad of all people forwarded the link last week, I still laughed out loud again. This is comedy gold!

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  11. Love it! 11 times more painful than childbirth! Yeah right!
    Very funny indeed.
    x

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  12. These are sooooo funny! I have laughed and laughed! thanks! Linda

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  13. That's probably the best laugh I've ever had from a blog post. I literally laughed till I cried.

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  14. PMSL :) Thank you for sharing this - won't ask how you found it ;)

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  15. Hilarious!! I love that you get not just a review but a story too ;) x

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  16. Hahaha! Sooo FUNNY! Honesty is always the best policy afterall ;) xxx

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  17. I agree with Vintage Sweetheart - I love that you get the whole saga... how fantastic! Heading over to read more. Sarah xxx

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  18. ahh *wipes eyes* nowt better than a good belly laugh, thanks for posting S x

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  19. This is just hilarious!! Those are some reviews :P I just love your posts :)
    I just to let you know I nominated your blog for a blogging award..not sure if you accept them or not..but I just wanted to let you know I think your blog is great :)
    Magie x

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  20. having used lady Veet and knowing how interminably tender man bits are this was never a good idea. And oh! The itching afterwards

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  21. I'm crying I'm laughing so hard! Finally a blog post my husband cares about, we are both dying at this. Thanks for sharing I must re- read the first two again. Holy shit bald balls and knobs I had no idea! I once had a incident after cutting habaneros and I forgot to wash my hands, that's all I'm saying :) use you imagination for the rest:)))))
    Xxoo
    Krista

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  22. Hahahahahahaha!That is all. Picks self off floor. That made my day.

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  23. Ahahaha!You always have me rolling on the ground.
    Thank GOD for honest Amazon reviewers!

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  24. Scarlett you have made my day Honey :D :D :D

    I haven't laughed so much in ages! Thankyou my lovely. :o)

    Have a happy, happy week my dear.
    Love and a big hug to you,
    Donna xx

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  25. Hahahahaha! This is hilarious, I have to show Pyf! I just love how these men talk about their nadgers to openly! Going to read the other reviews now! xxx

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  26. HAHAHAH! I'm crying from laughing so hard! Thanks for sharing - I needed a good laugh!

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  27. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant! This has cheered me up no end, thank you for sharing the joy lovely!!

    Jem xXx

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  28. This did the rounds in our offices and there was much laughter!

    Victoria xx

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  29. Hahahaha....gentleman's log cabin...oh dear God...

    I love it when Amazon reviews kick off, there was some really silly thing a few years ago about those hideous wolf fleeces like the ones you can buy down the market, did you see that one? Lots of people saying how stylish they were (tongue in hairless cheek I hope)

    Thanks for sharing this, I'd not seen it!
    xx

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  30. This was hilarious.....I shared this with my teen.....so funny!

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  31. oooh i so miss reading your hillarious post, Scarlett! hahaha i'm laughing so hard i got tears in my eyes, gosh i lost count of OUCH words i said out loud while reading these funny reviews! my hubby always love shopping in amazon especially on christmas coz he's the type who wont bother going to the shops and got squeezed by other people and yes they do have reviews! By Golly Gee Willikers, you're not serious of buying it for your hubby do you? hahahaha

    xx susan

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  32. Love it! Why do women wince and cross their legs when they hear about painful 'knob and bollocks' happenings even tho we have no knob and bollocks? Ouch.

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  33. Oh this is fan-bloody-tastic Scarlett!!!! I must show this to my hubby, not because I want him to use it, but I just know he'll be roaring with laughter at the sheer candid reviews - heheheeeee!! xo

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  34. Just popped in to see if you're about sweetie.
    Hope alls well.

    Love n hugs,
    Donna xx

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  35. hi dear! Just found your lovely blog:) what do you say about following each other?

    FashionSpot.ro

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  36. I can't believe that I missed this post..and what a cracker of a post it is. Even the mister have a great laugh! Hope you are well, Tam x

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  37. hahaha simply hillarious :D can just picture them! Have a great weekend, hugs Pam

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  38. Hope you're okay - haven't seen a post in awhile.

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  39. This had me crying laughing Scarlett! Thank you for making my Saturday morning great. Em xxx

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